As a bonus for those managing to read this far, here's something practical, something that you might be able to use, something to keep in the glovebox of your car:

If you're travelling and/or living in a car, chances are your lack of a bathroom will eventually weigh heavily on your mind and bladder. And there's nothing worse than begging the bathroom key from some over-pierced cashier or gas pumper three or four times a day, to say nothing of the hassle involved in pulling yourself from your warm sleeping bag every time nature not so gently calls. If you're of that half of the species endowed with the male appendage, eventually, inevitably, you will piss in a bottle.

Before doing so you will need to procure the right equipment. First, you will make calculations concerning bottle mouth size and bottle volume, probably first considering a Snapple before learning that 16 ounces is only about 2/3 of what you'll need, and there's nothing more frustrating than clamping down every time you pee. If you're lucky, you might discover Looza Iced Tea with its wider bottle mouth and 24 luxurious ounces.

Then comes the First Time. You will experience the unique sensation of trying to let loose while sitting in a car all but fully clothed and with people walking by. You will try to maintain a nonchallant facial expression. And you'll have trouble starting: that same mechanism that prevents dreams of peeing from becoming wet beds will kick in and make letting go almost impossible. And when you finally do flow you'll have this weird feeling that you're getting wet.

But no, it's working. There's no spillage, and you're maintaining a relatively uncontorted face. People are looking at you, and they suspect nothing. If you selected your bottle well (minimum 18 ounces) you'll even be able to finish your whole pee. You'll find that a full bladder (which you almost have to have before subjecting yourself to this ritual) fills a consistent volume of the bottle. My full bladder holds just over 25 ounces, not to boast . . .

When you have peed to your heart and bladder's content you will either screw the lid on extra tight and save your very warm specimen for later disposal or else casually open the door and pour the contents on the street, in which case you'll affect the demeanor of one who has just discovered a bottle of apple juice gone bad. You'll hope no one watching will have keen enough eye to notice slightly more sudsing upon contact with concrete than your typical apple juice would produce . . .

Then you'll be tempted to throw away the now soiled bottle, but if you're smart you'll pour out every last drop, screw the lid tight and stash it under the seat for next time, because when you really have to go there's nothing worse than hunting down a bottle of Snapple (you'll never find a Looza in a pinch) and chugging it with the heavy impatient pain of a full bladder. Like burning yourself on a hot stove, you make that mistake only once.

Fair warning: dry urine smells like piss, so if you anticipate keeping the same parking spot for a while, you might walk your fluids to some grass.

Since first writing this I've become a near master of the car-pee art. I've installed easily unfurled curtains so that by loosing four or five clips I'm ensconced in total privacy, liberating me from stiffly perching in the front seat watched by all. I can now assume the more facile prone position -- a more fluid position, if you will -- from which I can better aim the business at (and in) hand. I no longer get that peculiar wet sensation, and I spill nary a drop.

Next time: shitting in cafes and becoming a connoisseur of bathroom graffiti.....